The New Year's Blues: What You're Feeling Is Valid

A short piece discussing feeling low during the New Year, and why it’s okay.

Image Source: Rebloggy

It’s New Years Eve, and almost everyone you know is ecstatic for the new year to arrive. Dressing up in flashing dresses/suites, buying champagne, going to party at clubs (hopefully not in 2020), listing their new years resolutions, etc, it seems people are optimistic regarding what the next year has to bring.

However, you’re noticing you don’t share that same excitement and joy. Rather, you feel yourself feeling more down, depressed, anxious, exhausted, etc, than usual. The thought of a new year arriving doesn’t make you hopeful, and seeing everyone around you be so happy may even slightly irritate you. There may even be a slight pressure from others, or from your own conscious, to force yourself to “be happy,” '“celebrate,” “be grateful,” and to “not be so negative,'“ despite how underwhelmed you feel.

I just want for you to know, that you are not alone.

This phenomenon, coined as the New Years Blues, is a common occurrence for people when the new year is approaching. While society depicts for this transition to be smooth and joyous, the reality is that it’s actually draining and painful for others.

“What’s Wrong With Me?”

Despite the celebrations going on, the end of the year can be an extremely tough and exhausting time for many people for various of reasons, from tragedy to failed goals. Typically, the end of the year symbolizes a call for reflection regarding what transpired throughout the year, both the negative and positive. This unfortunately can create an opportunity to ruminate on the goals you were unable to accomplish, the events you missed out on potentially due to a physical or mental illness, the loved ones lost, and overall comparing yourself to others who appeared to have an easier year than you did. Not to mention, in 2020 specifically, the entire world underwent collective trauma due to the causes and effects of the COVID-19 virus, which is sadly still impacting many families everywhere.

So no, in my eyes, there is nothing wrong with you. What you’re currently feeling is normal and just as valid as being excited for the new year.

“When Will This Feeling Go Away?”

Honestly, it all depends. For some people, their low mood may only last for the first day of the new year. However, for others, the feeling may persistent until the very beginning of February.

However, I would suggest placing more importance not on how quickly you can rid of these feelings, but taking time to evaluate where your emotions are coming from. Your emotions are bubbling underneath the surface, and deserve the appropriate amount of time and support to carefully analyze and understand what and where in your life you’d wish for things to be different. This would the perfect opportunity to reflect on what is triggering your emotions, so you may be able to begin the process of healing from the previous year when you’re ready.

You shouldn’t feel rushed to “get over” or “fake” your emotions regarding the new year, and you are entitled to spend as much as time as possible to process this transition.

Happy New Year to you, and if no one has told you this yet, I’m happy you’re still here with us. Take as much time as you need to emotionally rest and prepare to step fully into 2021 with as much grace as you can fester.

Your Body & Sexuality Is Yours to Own

A short article discussing the controversy regarding T.I. and his 18 year old daughter, Deyjah. These are the personal opinions of the writer.

Social media websites such as Twitter and Instagram went into a frenzy Wednesday morning, following a newly released podcast interview with T.I. The Atlanta rapper explained to the female hosts that since she turned 16, he has accompanied his daughter Deyjah to yearly OB-GYN appointments, demanding to know if his daughter’s hymen is still intact. The podcast has since been deleted following the mass backlash and conversation regarding parenting and sexuality. However, the damage following his statements have already been done.

His statements are problematic indeed, and are unfortunately a reflection of how society incorrectly views sexuality, especially the sexuality of young women. Listed below are three main misconceptions commonly seen when regarding the sexual activities of female youth.

Sexual Misconceptions

1)      Hymen’s do not indicate virginity

As stated by Planned Parenthood, a young lady whos hymen has yet to be stretched (as hymen’s do not break, they only stretch) does not indicate she is still sexually inactive vaginally. Furthermore, a vagina with a stretched hymen does not reveal she is sexually active. Hymen’s can be stretched by various activities, such as riding bikes and horses. Although Harris stated his daughter does not partake in athletic activity, it is also important to add that actions such as interesting a tampon for the first time, or masturbating, can also result in the stretching of the hymen. It’s also important to share that hymens come in various sizes, some bigger than others. Thus, this is an outdated way of attempting to detect a teenage girls sexual activity. 

2)      Sexual acts are not limited to vaginal sex

The hetero-normative definition of sexual intercourse revolves around vaginal sex, defined as the inserting of a penis into a vagina. However, this normalized image of sex does not match the reality of various methods of sexual intercourse. People can choose have sex anally (anal sex), or orally (oral sex), rather than vaginally. Thus, parents attempting to “check” their daughters hymen fail to accurately measure if she truly is sexual inactive this way.

3)      STD’s can be acquired outside of vaginal sex

One of the biggest debates I’ve seen following the release of the podcast episode, were supporters of T.I. who argued that STD’s are too rapid to allow your child to be sexually active. While any parent would be concerned regarding their child’s sexual health, it is rather unproductive to refrain your child from engaging in sexual activity altogether to avoid the possibility of STD’s. Recent years of comparison between sex-ed classes and abstinence only classes within high schools have shown that telling children to not partake in sexual activity only increases their curiosity, increases the prevalence of them sneaking around, and overall increases their chances of getting a STD anyway. Furthermore, STD’s may still be acquired through anal and oral sex, and not specifically through vaginal sex. Instead, talking to their child about the various sexually transmitted diseases and sharing tips engaging in safe sex would be more effective.

Psychological Impacts

Aside from the possibility of Deyjah being humiliated by her father sharing such intimate details publicly, there are other negative consequences which may follow due to being forced to undergo such procedures as an adolescent.

One of the consequences, is the concept of control. Unfortunately, daughters who are forced to share such intimate details with their parents, especially their fathers, may grow into believing their physical body and sexual activity is to be shared with others, and that they lack the right to contain that information in privacy. The concept of consent becomes blurry, as these young ladies grow to believe that their bodies and sexual activities are dependent on another individual, rather than their own agency. There is also a potential negative impact based on T.I.’s usage of vocabulary, calling the results for Deyjah’s check as “my results.” Again, such a statement and claiming of ownership regarding his daughter’s results slightly indicates that although Deyjah is a young woman, her body, sexuality, nor her sexual health, is for hers to keep.

In more extreme circumstances, young ladies who are raised in this manner may be more vulnerable to being involved in sexually abusive relationships as an adult, as their view of sexual and body ownership may be misconstrued. On the other extreme, the young ladies may have internalized the act of sex as being something bad rather than intimate, and may be uncomfortable with the thought of having intercourse. Later if they choose to partake in sexual activities, their may experience an internalized feeling of shame, disgust, and being displeasing to those who’ve raised them.  

Proposal

Parents, expecting your child to refrain from sexual activity until they reach 18 or older is unrealistic. They are at an age where they become sexually curious, and by living within a sexually driven society, there may be circumstances during their development where they may engage in sexual behaviors. 

Rather than being strict regarding your child’s sexual expression, teach them about safe sex. Sit down with them and explain the various types of STD’s. Let them know how one can get pregnant through intercourse. Speak with them on sexual assault and consent. Discuss with them the dangers of older manipulative men attempting to sexually take advantage of them. Talk with them about birth control, and be open to helping them in the process if they wish to use them. Help them understand that your main concern is if they choose to engage in sexual activity, that they are being safe and are not abusing themselves or others in the process.

Lastly, help your child in being sexually confident. Teach them throughout the years that their body belongs to THEM, no one else. Reaffirm them that they have the agency to allow or deny ANYONE’S access to their body, even their own family.

As a young woman or man, you have every right to be sexuality curious. You have the birthright to explore what your likes and dislikes are. You have the right to deny access of your sexual history (unless important, such as disclosing an acquired STD before intercourse) to others. You have the right to own your body and sexuality.

Being Emotionally Still

We live in a world that has conditioned us into always being on the move. Work, academics, family life, etc, it is expected of us to stay on top of our obligations, and at times is frowned upon if we fail to do so. 

This societal norm allows for us to successfully reach our personal goals, take care of our families, and obtain accolades by certain ages, creating a legacy for each individual. However, while the prior can be viewed as positive, such a norm also robs us as humans the deserved opportunity to become present within our bodies and emotions, due to the process of doing potentially becoming too much of a distraction from our outside duties.

Providing an emphasis on being emotionally present may be viewed by some as a distraction to other obligations, due to the complexity of the feelings experienced, a lack of understanding regarding where these emotions are coming from, and attempts (honestly, sometimes failures) to understand why they even exist. With the societal pressure of “always being on the-go,” and lacking the time to emotionally check in with ourselves, as a community we have unintentionally created a culture where we automatically search for solutions or short term fixes (mainly negative coping mechanisms) as a means to solve our problems quickly, rather than feeling the raw emotions bubbling underneath the surface. Strategizing various ways to momentarily fix the pain underneath, such as utilizing substances, compulsive eating, forcing oneself into multiple activities, pushing emotions to the side, etc, may become instinctual actions taken once reaching young adulthood. Unfortunately, these quick fixes fail to heal us for long periods of time. Rather, they only assist in placing our emotions on hold until they become too much to bare.

By automatically adjusting our time and energy into quickly solving our struggles, or disregarding personal inconveniences, the norm of harming ourselves by not allowing our bodies the agency to feel continues.

But..

What could possibly happen, if we allowed ourselves to be emotionally still?

You may have heard the term “Be Still” before, meaning to refrain from controlling the circumstances around you and having faith that God will lead the way. Yes, in my opinion the spiritual meaning on the quote has proven to be true, but I also believe this saying can be implemented when speaking about our mental health.

Being still, emotionally, means to fight back against outside distractions, fighting back against unproductive coping mechanisms, facing your emotions head on. It means to be vulnerable. It means to be emotionally honest. It means to soak within your pool of emotions without regret. The concept may sound ridiculous, weak, or stupid, but is highly recommended by mental health professionals. You’ll be surprised by the load of sorrow, anger, shame, guilt, bitterness, etc, fighting to be released from your body after harboring these emotions for days, months, or years.

Emotional stillness is terrifying, because it requires us to become emotionally naked for it to work properly. Allowing our emotions to overflow forces us to decrease the environmental, habitual, and/or relational distractions we have utilized as coping mechanisms, resulting in seeing ourselves passed the rose colored glasses we’ve created. Rather than relying on logic or action, we have to allow our bodies weep, letting our feelings and thoughts to flow from our brains, through our bloodstream, to the tips of our fingers, to receive an honest answer regarding what may be wrong with us, and to detect exactly what event has been causing us such distress. 

The goal of emotional stillness is not exactly ruminating on these emotions for excessive periods of time without reaching out for professional help. However, feeling them nonetheless, may be the very step needed to further understand your emotional reactions to present or past events, and may be a clue into what you must do next in order to truly heal.

Sometimes, all you can do is sit in your discomfort 

Without attempting to cover up, fix, or distract yourself from the pain

And truth be told,

That’s okay.

You have the human right to feel

You have the human right to be emotionally still.

True Life: I'm Afraid of Being Vulnerable

When it comes to social bonding, the best method to getting to know another person is to allow yourself to slowly unraveling who you are to them. 

However, what happens when you find yourself having an extremely difficult time letting other people know who you truly are? What happens when letting others see just how emotionally intense you can be becomes a task that can't be met? It feels as if once the other person thinks they've finally found the key to unlock your heart, you immediately install ten more locks underneath, preventing them from ever getting inside.

If you find yourself subconsciously dealing with this, you are not alone. I can wholeheartedly admit that for almost 21 years of my life I have been incredibly afraid to allow others to see the sensitive  side as me, doing everything in my power to prevent myself from appearing vulnerable. Although I do crave for an emotional and mental connection with other people, the minute someone shows interest in doing so with me I either constantly play mind games so they have no choice but to jump through hoops for me, or I lock them out all together.

There are multiple reasons why a person may be unwilling to open up to others, none of which are the individuals fault. Some people like myself have had to endure traumatic experiences during sensitive ages of our lives, and our reactions to those experiences were not taken as seriously as they should have been during that time. As a result, we began to close ourselves up from the public eye as a new way to protect ourselves from rejection, misunderstandings, and experiencing that same pain over again. Although closing ourselves up is not seen as a positive social skill, doing so is undoubtedly a coping mechanism and survival tactic that we were forced to learn throughout time in order to keep our sanity.

Traumatic experiences are not the only causes for people to be afraid of vulnerability. Some of us are also just naturally selective people in who we share our hearts with, being an introvert if you will. While extroverted personalities have higher chances of being on the scene and allowing an open space for others to get to know who they are, Introverts are more likely to prefer smaller groups and less socially chaotic environments to get to know others. We also may have a fear of appearing helpless to others, as we have been psychologically groomed since childhood to believe that showing of our emotions is a sign of weakness. To let another person seeing you at your lowest state, especially allowing them to see you cry, may cause you to feel guilt and shame for letting another person see you so "weak." 

For years this has been my go-to method whenever someone found interest in me or wanted to get to know me. I would constantly build a wall between myself and the other person to ensure they don't come too close to me. I had no idea when I was going to grow out of this habit, nor did I believe I should. By guarding myself I felt I was helping myself stay safe from the dangerous, shady people in the world, and that my emotions wouldn't necessarily benefit the world around me anyway.

However, those days are beginning to come to an end.

It has taken me quite some time, but as the years go on I am slowly beginning to realize how detrimental it is to allow myself to open up. The option to completely connect to another becomes absolutely slim when I refuse to open my heart. My refusal to be vulnerable, while keeping me "safe" from fake and fraudulent people, has hurt my chances and opportunities for business, friendships, and romantic relationships. Something that I had seen merely to be just a coping mechanism, began to block my blessings and welcomed feelings of loneliness instead.

There are so many people in this world who could change my life for the better, so many younger girls who could use my advice to better themselves, so many individuals that could love me for who I am, yet by not allowing myself to be vulnerable, I will never be able to experience that. Thus, one of my goals for 2017 is to constantly break down these walls that I have grown to be comfortable living with. I want to be able to feel, I want to finally give people the chance to get to know the real me, and I deserve to do so. While my choice may be risky to some, I am positive that finally letting myself go and taking up the emotional space I deserve will be great for my emotional wellness.

Allowing your heart to be open for display  is probably one of the scariest things you could ever do, but so necessary for your growth as an individual. Your thoughts are important, you're feelings are important, and your entire being has a purpose. You're a beautifully made individual, and the world deserves to know who you truly are. Allow yourself to be free, and share your greatness with the world.

Yes, you may end up getting hurt, Yes, your trust may be taken for granted. Yes, you may cry for another night due to another person playing with your heart like a toy. However, you just might meet another person who understands and gets your heart like no other, and the connection you two will form could possibility last a lifetime.

- Asia Jones